Today

Are you ever feeling like absolute shit and then someone advises you that maybe you should go out and interact with people or just go out! But you know better. You know that it doesn’t fucking help. Not even a bit, no. Because you don’t know how to talk to people and you over think everything and you’re scared that they might not like you.

For instance, today in my French class we had a chart making competition. There were also these new kids from Japanese and German sections. And some people from my class just easily approached the new kids and started talking with them, you know, saying things like “Ooh, nice chart you’ve got there!” or “Do you mind if I take a picture of your chart?” or “Dude, I stay there too. We should totally hang out sometime.” etc while I just stood in a corner wondering if I should throw myself under a bus today. But finally, I left the place. And I realised I  had this big lump in my throat that I didn’t know was there all this time. And then I felt like talking to someone or shouting or maybe crying. I always choose the last option. And believe me, it’s the safest and you can cry until you forget what you were actually crying about. Also, it is hardly noticeable (sooo many perks!).

I don’t usually pay attention to the trivial things in life that make me sad but I don’t know what it was about today. Because I don’t even approach people myself. I never do. But I want someone to talk to me, sometimes. But then again, I have nothing to talk about and also there’s the possibility of them not liking me as I mentioned earlier.

And so, the cycle continues. I wish it’d stop at some point because I honestly have no idea what I’d do if it doesn’t ever stop. Maybe I really will entertain the idea of throwing myself under a bus at that time.

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2 thoughts on “Today

  1. I found that what helped me social issues, and depression, was volunteering. Its a unique social setting, wherein allot of normal social pressures are gone. Plus, the pressures of socializing can be alleviated when focusing on a shared task. Oh, and volunteering doesn’t hurt to put on the resume.

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    1. I do volunteer. I am a volunteer at a NGO where we teach computers to kids that can’t afford such education. It brings me peace but then I’m back to feeling like shit.

      Like

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